Crush, Deny, Vehicular Homicide
by Durgas Dragon
Summary: AU. Kotetsu drops the bomb. Iruka flips out. Sequel to 'Smile', but can be read alone.


**Crush, Deny, Vehicular Homicide**

_**Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto's **_**Naruto**_** and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece**_

_**Summary: Kotetsu drops the bomb. Iruka flips out. Sequel to 'Smile', but can be read alone.**_

_**Author's Note: Written for Kiterie. Alternate universe, possible out-of characterness, **_

_**Constructive Criticism is always welcomed**_

_**Published: 15 May 2009**_

_**Rating: K+**_

**Iruka**** stifled a yawn and pushed out another cart for the morning shelving shift. He was tired and couldn't wait to get to get the word that work was over so he could punch out. His feet hurt and he wanted to go home.**

**He also was feeling edgy because as soon as work was done and as soon as he dropped off Kotetsu and Izumo, he'd have a full thirty-three hours, all to himself. There would be no volunteering or strange children with strange habits to worry about, and no work and no insane co-workers to stress him out. It was going to be just him, his laundry, and his new **_**X-Men**_** DVD set. There might be a little Naruto in that mix, but hopefully, not until his whites were done.**

**Slightly impatiently, he grabbed the last cart and shoved it towards its area. He heard Genma yelling that they were done and could they go now?**

**"Sign out," Kakashi's rich voice rang out and a few people cheered. "Iruka, that includes you!"**

**"I know," Iruka called back, finishing up with the cart. He thought he felt Kakashi's eyes lingering on him, but when he turned around, Kakashi was shutting down the terminals at the service desk and not looking his way at all.**

**He shook his head. He was starting to sound obsessed. Ever since Kakashi had started making a concerted effort **_**not**_** to be the Boss from the Ninth Circle of Hell, Iruka had become more aware of that single eye. Before, he could pass it off as Kakashi looking for a reason to make his life miserable, but now...he couldn't think of a good reason for his manager's close scrutiny.**

**Kakashi was waiting by the punch-out station, a patient expression his face. "Didn't I tell you to sign out already?"**

**"I know, I know. You can't punch out and leave until I do. I'm going, I'm going." Iruka entered his employee number and logged himself out of the system. "See? I'm leaving."**

**"Hmm. Good." He heard Kakashi punching in his numbers, and then shutting the system down.**

**"How's that volunteering thing going?" Kakashi asked as he followed him to the break room. At Iruka's surprised glance, he elaborated. "Kurenai was talking about it earlier."**

**Kurenai had a big mouth.**** "It's going fine."**

**"Now, what is it exactly that you're volunteering for?" Kakashi, apparently, wasn't done with being nosy.**

**"I'm tutoring at the community centre.****" What was **_**with **_**this man and wanting to know every little detail of Iruka's life? It was like if he couldn't be an asshole, he was going to be a prying bastard. Iruka was starting to wonder which one was worse.**

**"Really? Tutoring what?"**

**"Everything."**

**The moment the words left his mouth, Iruka knew that he'd made a mistake. The look on Kakashi's face said it **_**all**_**. Why did this always happen to him—and with his evil boss, no less!**

**"Sick pervert!" He muttered, trying to distance himself from the bastard.**

**"Maa, Iruka," Kakashi said, a big, beaming grin evident in his voice, "no need to get all upset. We all have our Freudian slips now and then."**

**Iruka decided that he wasn't going to dignify that with a response. He was off the clock; he had no obligations to be more than barely civil.**

**He managed to lose Kakashi in the break room amidst the bustle of co-workers a-flurry with pre-escape activities. He then managed to avoid the gigantic jerk at the rush out of the doors, making it at least another thirty-eight hours before he had to deal with that stupid eye-patch again.**

**"What were you and Kakashi talking about?" Izumo asked as they got into the car, a little too hopefully. "Did he mention the man that he gave that piece of paper to?"**

**Izumo—for whatever inane, insane reason—was thoroughly **_**convinced**_** that Kakashi was some sort of undercover agent and using the bookstore as a cover. He also was—for reasons unknown—**_**quite**_** certain that Kakashi had mentioned one or two things to Iruka about said agent business.**

**"No Izumo, he didn't." Iruka hoped the exasperation wasn't showing. "He was only asking about my time at the Centre." He started the car.**

**"Oh." The disappointment wouldn't last; it never did. Izumo would soon be plotting how he could verify Iruka's story—just in case Iruka had been sworn to secrecy and couldn't tell him outright.**

**"He's been such a nosy old **_**biddy**_** recently," Iruka complained, remember how Kakashi kept asking about his personal life. "If he's not harassing me, he's got to stick his nose in my life!"**

**Kotetsu sighed loudly. "Iruka, how much longer are you going to keep this up? It's getting to be a bit old."**

**"Excuse me?" Iruka snapped, stung. "I'm sorry if I'm burdening you with my complaints!"**

**"Not **_**that**_**," Kotetsu rolled his eyes. "The whole clueless act. You can't keep doing it forever. It's not attractive, and it's not productive in the least. Sooner or later, you're going to have to actually **_**deal**_** with things."**

**"**_**What**_** are you talking about?"**

**"Oh, come **_**on**_**!" Izumo interjected.**

**"I know you're thick—it can be endearing at times and it's probably what drew him to you in the first place—but **_**honestly**_**, Iruka! Not even you can be **_**that**_** oblivious!"**

**"What? Drew who? What the hell?"**

**"Oh, for the love of...! KAKASHI, you moron!" Kotetsu all but yelled. "He wants into your pants, **_**bad**_**!"**

**"**_**WHAT**_**?!"**

**"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Izumo shrieked. "Holy **_**crap**_**! Are you trying to kill us?!"**

**Kotetsu stared at Iruka. "Don't tell me you didn't know! **_**HOW**_** could you not know? He's been salivating after you since you first walked into the store! He can't keep his eyes off of your ass any time you're in sight! He's so obvious it's absolutely unbelievable!"**

**"He hates me!"**

**"Iruka," Kotetsu said slowly. "Kakashi. Wants. To. Jump. Your. Bones."**

**"Badly," Izumo added. "I can't believe you didn't know! What have you been **_**doing**_**, sticking your head under a rock? He's so—WATCH THE ROAD!"**

**"He's had nothing good to say—"**

**"Jesus H. Christ! Everyone other word out his mouth is your name! 'Iruka knows the proper visual standards for tables, why don't you spend some time learning them like he did?'" Kotetsu mimicked. "'If you learned the four cornerstones of our company like Iruka did, I would haven't to be writing you up right now, now would I?' 'Didn't you get the memo? Open-toed shoes are no longer allowed; Iruka knew that'. 'Maybe if you spent some time working out, you'd have an ass that's half as hot as Iruka's'."**

**"He never said that!"**

**"GO LEFT! LEFT! DON'T HIT THAT POST!" Izumo screamed.**

**"Okay, so he didn't say that last one, but he's said variations of the others at least **_**once**_** a day to **_**everyone**_**!"**

**"I've never seen or heard any of that!"**

**"Clearly," Izumo observed, eyes darting nervously for other obstacles that Iruka might try to hit.**

**"Honestly! **_**How**_** could you have missed it!"**

**"He's shown me nothing but contempt!"**

**"That's because he's a social **_**retard**_**," Kotetsu said. "He doesn't have a friggin' clue how to deal with people on a deeper level."**

**"I think it's because he doesn't want to get sued for sexual harassment."**

**"Okay, 'Zumo's got a point there. That's probably more like it. He's got a groovy thing going, and he didn't want to lose that or have his ass sued. But he wants you in the **_**worst**_** way."**

**"He's been **_**nothing **_**but an **_**absolute**_**—"**

**"DON'T HIT THAT—"**

_**CRASH!**_

**"—bin." Izumo finished weakly. He fumbled with the belt and stumbled out of the car. "That **_**does**_** it!" Iruka heard him say to Kotetsu. "No more telling him people like him when he's driving! You almost got us **_**killed**_**!"**

**"Hey! Don't blame me! I didn't know he was really **_**that**_** clueless!" Kotetsu snapped back as he righted the trash bin. "Honestly, **_**how**_** could he not know?!"**

**Iruka left the two to argue over the bin, driving off in a daze.**

**They **_**had**_** to be pulling a fast one on him, they **_**had**_** to be. There was **_**no**_** way that Kakashi had a crush on him, absolutely **_**no**_** way.**

**He parked his car in the small lot and wandered up to his apartment, trying to rationalise Kotetsu and Izumo's reasons for pulling such a stunt on him.**

**Kakashi was **_**annoying**_**; when he wasn't finding faults with **_**everything**_** Iruka did, he was sticking his nose where it didn't belong. He never had **_**anything**_** good to say about Iruka—he even refused to do Iruka's yearly performance reviews because he might have to say something complementary (he did, however, never fail to send a long list of complaints with whichever manager was doing the evaluation).**

**Izumo and Kotetsu had to be wrong: they must be trying to set Iruka up to make a fool of himself or something because there was not other explanation for this.**

**If—for the sake of argument—Kakashi really **_**did**_** have a crush on him, he would have gone about it dealing with it in a **_**completely**_** different way. He wouldn't be following Iruka around like a five year old with…a…crush…**

**Oh gods, no.**** No.**

**Kakashi wasn't a five year old! He was older than Iruka; he could—and **_**did**_**—interact with other human beings normally. Iruka had **_**seen**_** him flirt with customers—mainly with the irate ones to get them to calm down, but that was beside the point! The point was he knew **_**how**_** to and **_**none**_** of those behaviours were **_**ever**_** directed towards Iruka!**

**Kakashi **_**couldn't**_**. He **_**wouldn't**_**.**

**The man **_**hated**_** Iruka. He had some **_**vendetta**_** against Iruka! He was **_**always**_** seeking Iruka out—**

**No. Oh please, gods, no.**

**This couldn't be happening. It wasn't happening. Izumo and Kotetsu were just messing with his head. There was NO WAY his evil, crazy, wicked boss liked him—in **_**that**_** way or any other way!**

**It wasn't true. And Iruka wasn't going to obsess about it on his one day off. It was a joke, a prank, and he was going to FORGET ABOUT IT.**

**He was **_**NOT**_** going to worry about whether or not Kakashi had a crush on him or if he was known to check out Iruka's ass—**

**ARGH!**

**xXxXxXxXxXx**

**By the time his job rolled around a day and a half later, Iruka thought he had it under control. He wasn't going to freak out or be paranoid. Kakashi—magnetism and good looks aside—was STILL a **_**gigantic**_** asshat and it was going to take more than he might have incredibly good taste in men to change Iruka's mind on the matter.**

**He did, however, resolve to crouch more and to bend over less, just to be safe.**

**It burned him to admit it, but there was some truth to what his former friends had said; Kakashi's eyes **_**did**_** seem to follow him—and his butt—a lot. Pervert.**

**He decided that he hadn't forgiven Kotetsu and Izumo and was thinking that maybe he should run them over with his car because Anko had sauced up to him, an evil smirk on her face.**

**"So! Kotetsu tells me you're finally ready to face the facts!"**

**Genma's head poked around the aisle. "Really? He's **_**finally**_** figured it out?"**

_**Vehicular homicide is wrong, no matter what the circumstances.**_

**"No, he had to be told, but now he can screw the one-eyed bastard and maybe we'll stop hearing his name every five seconds!"**

**"Stop talking about me as if I'm not here!"**

**"Sorry." Genma sounded unrepentant and insincere. "So, when are you going to jump his bones?"**

**"I'm not going to jump **_**anyone**_**."**

**"Oh, come **_**on**_**!" Anko interjected. "Why the hell **_**not**_**?"**

**"**_**Because**_**."**

**"What the hell kind of answer is that? I'll bet if you told him that you wanted to knock boots together, he'd do you right there!****" She grabbed the book out of his hand.**

_**Vehicular homicide is wrong.**_

**Iruka growled slightly. "It's not going to happen!" He snatched the book back.**

**"Why not?" Genma pressed.**

**"Because I don't like him and he doesn't like me, that's why!"**

**"Gods, are you stupid!" Anko crossed her arms and glared at him. "This denial isn't cute any more! That damn one-eyed idiot can't get **_**any**_** more obvious! HOW have you missed it? He's been drooling after your perky little ass ever since it first shook its way through those doors!"**

**"Yeah, I'm amazed he hasn't pinned you up against something yet," Genma added. "Honestly, just get into his pants and get it over with!"**

_**Vehicular homicide is WRONG**_**.**

**"Go recover your zone." Iruka shoved passed the two spawns of evil.**

**"Well, Genma," Anko said loudly, "maybe when Iruka's back from his boat ride in Egypt, he'll get off his ass and go put it to better use with one silver-haired know-it-all."**

**Laughter slowly faded in the red haze that grew around Iruka and one objective suddenly because his entire focus.**

_**DIE**_**.**

**xXxXxXxXxXx**

**Kakashi looked torn between wanting to laugh and being stern. "Would you like to let me know why Anko and Genma not only suddenly have vacations they just remembered about and black eyes but the request forms to be transferred to a different store that's as far from here as they humanely can get so they can, quote, 'escape from that demon incarnate', unquote?"**

**"I have no idea," Iruka snarled murderously, "but if you could give me their addresses, license plate numbers, and account numbers, I might be able to fix a problem our company has been having. If you throw in a clown suit, some thyme, a **_**Twilight**_** book, and a cart of pig's blood, I'll also make sure that it won't **_**ever**_** happen again."**

**Kakashi shook his head. "First request denied, but the second might be allowed if you take pictures."**

**Iruka's grin was nothing short of terrifying. "Not a problem." He turned to leave.**

**"Oh, and Iruka? I don't know what's going on, but stop trying to kill your co-workers with your car. It means lots of paperwork for me and then I have to hire and train new people. If you don't, I might be forced to write you up."**

**He rolled his eyes. "Oh, all right," he grumbled ungraciously.**

**"Thank you."**

**As Iruka left, he wondered if maybe there had been a bit of truth to what everyone was saying if all Kakashi was doing was threatening to write him up.**

**Nah, couldn't be.**

**After all, ANKO believed it to be true.**

_**x Fin x**_


End file.
